“On doing the emotional work of being a male feminist.”

Have we left Millennial men out of Lean In debate? Apparently, not all of them.

For lovers (and haters) of Shonda Rhimes’ Scandal everywhere.

Gorgeous illustrations of women in Congress.

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Should I Leave? Should I Stay? I’m stuck!

For whatever reason, you are thinking about leaving your job. You may get the sense that there’s only room for one woman at the top of your organization. Or perhaps your male supervisor flirts with you. Maybe you feel your work is undervalued or you are just not sure it’s a good fit. Whatever the reason, it can be hard to make a decision.

You are weighing all the risks: what will my coworkers and supervisors say? How will this look on my resume?  It’s not working out now, but what if I miss out on amazing projects in the future? What if the other options out there are even worse?

You are also daydreaming about all the possibilities: a small and collaborative company, or new opportunities for growth.

In other words, you’re stuck.

If this sounds like you, here are some tips to help you make up your mind, from savvy professional women who’ve been there:

• “If I don’t enjoy what I’m doing 80 percent of the time or more, then it’s time to make a change.”
• Write stay and go on pieces of paper and throw them in a hat. “If I pull out stay and I feel nauseated, then the right answer is to go… Until your gut is loud and clear, don’t make a change because you don’t want to make too many changes.”

Try to hold two almost contradictory ideas in your head: 1) every job contains tasks you just don’t enjoy doing, and especially if you are young, you may have to “pay your dues” before getting more exciting work; and 2) It’s your life, and you only have one; if you don’t see exciting opportunities ahead, you may be wasting your time.

Our last tip: ask for the advice of others. Call your family, talk to your significant other, reach out to your mentor, or bring your concerns up at dinner with friends. They know you better than anyone and can see things you may be blind to. Take their opinions into account, but ultimately, trust your gut.

Have a question? Then Ask The New Girls!

The post What Works for Women at Work: Answers to Common Questions – Leave or Stay? appeared first on New Girls' Network.

Harvard Business School professor on why you should keep a career journal.

New study says women undervalue themselves when working with men.

How to accept and decline job offers.

Time Magazine runs a story about lazy, entitled millennials: so what’s with the cover?

The post What We’re Reading appeared first on New Girls' Network.

Check out some pictures of the event below!

The post Take a Look! The New Girls’ Network ‘Finding Your Voice’ Event Hosted by Kirkland and Ellis appeared first on New Girls' Network.

But just saying “no” to these requests can backfire—you may not look like a team player, which is particularly risky for women walking The Tightrope between being liked (but not respected) or respected (but not liked).

Here are some savvy ways to deal with these requests, from savvy professional women who know what it’s like:

• Make them value the work that’s devalued. Say, “’Given the priorities that we’ve got going on, this is what I hear you feeling most strong about in terms of priorities.  And therefore, I need to stay focused on X, Y and Z’.  And let them come back and say, ‘You know what?  We’ve thought about it.  We’ve talked about other people.  There’s no one else we trust to get this done.  And this actually is incredibly important to us.’ So, by the time they’ve done the thinking, it’s moved up in their own mind in terms of priority.”
• Or, say, “’Let’s talk about why you think I’m the right person.’ Let them articulate what it is that’s important and what they see. This gives them an opportunity to think about the fact that maybe they wouldn’t be so good at the task they want you to take on.” So even if you are stuck with the task, at least you’ve helped its value rise in their esteem.
• Sometimes a request is so ridiculous—you are asked to pick up a birthday cake and just happen to be the only woman in a room—that you just have to be forthright. Say, “No. I’m sure you can pick one up at the bakery yourself.” With a smile, if you can muster one.

If you feel like these tactics are too risky, then say yes and make it work for you. Is a potential mentor also on the committee? Can you ask for something else in exchange? Be creative (and try to slyly say NO next time.)

The post What Works for Women at Work: Answers to Common Questions – “Scut Work” appeared first on New Girls' Network.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for women in STEM.

Most shockingly, Adria Richards, former developer evangelist at SendGrid, was fired after she publicly reported two men (one of whom was also fired) for making lewd jokes in earshot at a PyCon Conference. Richards has since received nasty messages for speaking out—including some that threatened her safety—in what is now referred to across the web as Donglegate (the jokes that began this incident were about dongles and forking; you get the idea).

Likewise, women game developers were shocked at an after party for a separate tech conference—this time the GDC in San Francisco—when they found that the party hosts had hired scantily clad women dancers to sashay on stage.

And that’s not all. Elise Andrew, a blogger in Canada who kept a low profile while running a very popular all-about-science Facebook page, promoted her new Twitter handle (which included her name and photo) to her Facebook fans. The response? Many were shocked that she was a woman. “Is this really 2013?” Andrews asked on Twitter.

The STEM fields are notoriously chilly for women. A new study by Corinne A. Moss-Racusin and colleagues found that science faculty rated men applying for a lab manager position as more hireable and competent than women with the exact same qualifications. A 2008 study by the Center for Work-Life Policy found that while 41% of highly qualified scientist, engineers, and technologists are women, 52% of these women quit their jobs around their mid-to-late thirties. The authors cite hostile workplace culture (like some of the recent incidents described above), long hours, and low expectations of career advancement as the main reasons for female attrition.

A third study from 2011 suggests that the exclusion of women in STEM may start even earlier. The study, by Danielle Gaucher, Justin Friesen and Aaron C. Kay, found that advertisements for male-dominated jobs—like many of those in STEM—contained a greater amount of masculine words (like dominate and competitive) than female-dominated positions. Women, after reading advertisements for male-dominated roles, were more likely than men to feel that they would not belong in these positions and found them less appealing. This pattern is perfectly illustrated by the posters that were at one time tacked up around Stanford University’s campus: “Want to bro down and crush some code? Klout is hiring.”

This chilly climate for women is an open secret. Said Etsy CTO Kellan Elliott-McCrea, “there’s a decent chance, based on their experience in industry, that your workplace is going to suck” for women, making it hard to recruit women and increase diversity. Rather than focusing on recruiting senior women, who continued to flock to more gender-balanced tech departments, Etsy, in partnership with 37Signals and Yammer, paid for junior women to attend a three-month training program in New York City. As a result, Etsy has increased the number of women engineers by 500%. They now make up 20% of their department.

Etsy’s strategy addresses a key issue: the problem of reaching critical mass, so that a few women don’t feel out of place in a sea of men. To quote Jocelyn Goldfein, director of engineering at Facebook: “The reason there aren’t more women computer scientists is because there aren’t more women computer scientists.”

Women in STEM sometimes feel they stick out like a sore thumb, but that’s not the only problem. Recently, Joan’s project interviewed 60 women of color in these fields, describing the four basic patterns of gender bias and asking, “Any of that sound familiar?”

It did. All 60 scientists reported at least one of these patterns. One scientist explained her experience with the Prove-It-Again! pattern, which occurs when women have to provide more evidence of competence than men in order to be seen as equally competent. She recalled that, back when she was a student working in a group, her contributions fell on deaf ears. “And it wasn’t until the professor came around and said, ‘Are you guys listening to what [she] is saying?’ where it hit home to me that, you know, it didn’t matter what I was saying. But, it was just the fact that it was coming from my mouth.”

Several women in Silicon Valley reported that women get “the job but not the title,” and that they’re told over and over again that they are “not ready” for promotion—even, in one instance, where the woman in question had actually been doing the job in question.

Another STEM academic found that even students questioned her competence. “I have always had the impression when I start a class, a course, it is always an uphill kind of battle. I get the impression that students don’t believe that I know what I’m supposed to know.”

One scientist felt that even hard data—in the form of student evaluations— that proved her competence was brushed aside. “Even when I get really good evaluations, then the next thing that follows is ‘Well, you’re an easy grader, and so that must be why,’” she said.

And this was only one of the four patterns of bias. Joan’s impression by the time she finished the interviews: what’s amazing is not that there are so few women in science, but that there are any. What recent events and the 60 interviews show is that the STEM fields are filled with both overtly hostile and subtly discouraging hurdles that keep women down and ultimately push them out.

We keep hearing that STEM fields hold the jobs of the future; let’s give women a chance to “lean in” to them.

The post Is It Too Cold To Lean In? Women In STEM appeared first on New Girls' Network.

Dear Speaking,

Repeat after us: I am not in college any more. I am not in college any more. I am not in college any more.

It sounds like college was a fantastic experience for you. You did well academically, socially, and athletically. We are so happy for you, and many of the skills you’ve develop with transfer over into the work world.

But not all. School and work are different worlds with different rules.

Let’s start with demographics. Young women are more likely to graduate from college, and most campuses have more women than men. And while women also make up almost half of our work-force, the landscape for women changes dramatically after college. Men hold 81.7% of seats in Congress and run 95.8% of Fortune 1000 companies.

That’s why we at The New Girls’ Network crystallized the four patterns of gender bias, to give women tools to navigate unfamiliar territory. Familiarize yourself with the four patterns, because you will likely, although unfortunately, run into one or more of these types of biases in the future. What you describe facing in your message is what we call The Tightrope; the double bind women face between being liked, but not respected, and being respected,  but not liked. This bind exists because norms about the ideal leader and the ideal woman are at odds—what works for one really doesn’t work for another. For example, leaders in the workplace are supposed to be direct, assertive, risk-taking and independent. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to adopt a softer communicative style, be more cautious and collaborative.

So those are the norms at play, but what does that mean for you? Mix the masculine with the feminine. It will help you ace your social interactions, and as an added bonus, it’s what really makes the best leaders. Unfortunately, you are going to have to think more consciously about how you are being perceived: be a notch more polite than you think you need to be, at least for a while. Ask your co-workers questions that show that you care about their well-being.

Of course, young men don’t often have to do this sort of self-editing. That’s not fair. But, you know what?  Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone—men as well as women—mixed a direct, assertive style with empathy? Maybe that’s where we should all end up. Best of luck!

Sincerely,

The New Girls

Got a problem to send our way? Then Ask The New Girls!

The post Ask The New Girls: I’ve Got a Feeling I’m Not in College Anymore appeared first on New Girls' Network.

Dear Atonal,

We hear this all the time. Women have a conversation where they feel direct, professional, and assertive, and they get feedback that they are harsh, abrasive, or inappropriate. There is a reason for this: Women are expected to be warm, team-oriented, and collaborative, whereas forceful, assertive people (and future leaders) are expected to be direct, risk-takers, and ambitious. When women fulfill gender norms, they often are seen as good women but not good workers. And when they act like go-getters, they often are seen as good workers but not good women. Lots and lots of studies show that women often have to choose between being liked but not respected, or respected but not liked.

In your case, you used a tone that you felt was professional and direct, but received backlash because your tone didn’t fit the prescriptions of how women should communicate. This double-bind is 100% unfair. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to deal with it again and again…and again.  So here are your options: (1) you can continue using the communicative style you have used before, but be aware that tense relationships with co-workers and colleagues may come back to bite you when looking for a promotion or recommendation; or (2) you can strategically change your communicative style so as to facilitate better relationships with co-workers and colleagues, while not sacrificing your professionalism and your ability to get the job done.

If you want to go with the second option, our advice is to mix the masculine with the feminine and practice tone control. In the future, if you are having problem with a co-worker, seek help by highlighting a common goal that isn’t being met: for example, “Y’s behavior is making it hard for our team to complete X project successfully” rather than “Y is impossible and I want him off the project.” Complement the person whose help you are seeking: “I know you have a great relationship with Y” or “Y always seems to listen to your feedback” or “I know Y respects your opinion.” Suggest a collaborative approach whenever possible: “Perhaps we could chat about how best to work together with Y on these issues.”  You get the idea: be warm, be collaborative, be a team-player.

But that’s all advice for the future. You still have to repair your relationship with your colleague now. Through whatever method you feel most comfortable, communicate the following:

“I was upset to hear that you felt that I communicated to you in a disrespectful or inappropriate way. This was not my intention, particularly because of how much I respect you. I would love your feedback so that I do not inadvertently do this again. I very much respect your opinion and hope we can work together to solve this issue for the good of the project.”

As frustrating as this may seem, take this pickle for what it is: a learning experience. Thinking these things through early in your career can –will–save you a lot of trouble later.

Best of luck!

Sincerely,

The New Girls

Would you like to send your pickle our way? Then Ask The New Girls!

The post Ask The New Girls: Trouble with Tone appeared first on New Girls' Network.

Dear Delicate,

We’re sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s important to point out that while gender is in the mix, race likely is driving this dynamic. You are a young White woman working above several Black men and women who are older than you, and likely have more job experience. Think about it: since Reconstruction, a key expression of racial supremacy is that Black men have had a hard time getting work, much less good jobs.  Unemployment for Blacks in the US is generally twice as high as Whites, no matter the economic climate. Hearing criticism from a young White girl who got a good job right out of school could feel an affront to this man’s dignity. Note: White girl. Gender is part of this equation, for sure.

Some men, of all hues, feel their dignity is threatened when a woman is forceful and direct. This is a classic Tightrope problem: you are not acting the way he expects a woman your age to behave. As always with Tightrope problems, mix the masculine with the feminine and practice good tone control. Men don’t generally have to do this kind of self-editing, but it is a tried-and-true path to being both respected and liked by those you work with.

No need to be deferential: remember, you can be empathetic without being deferential. For example, you might consider leading the discussion with the fact that you recognize you are new and younger, but add you both have jobs to do and when they aren’t done well, the students suffer.  Indicate that you want to be fair and that you’d prefer to work things out between the two of you, but if this isn’t possible, you will escalate the matter.  I suggest letting him know this in advance because it gives you some degree of power/control without sounding as if you are abdicating your role.  Finally, some situations don’t lend themselves solely to verbal exchanges.  You may need to reduce your concerns to writing, which usually causes them to be taken more seriously.

In order to prevent him assuming you are just singling him out, think about starting an evaluation process for all the aides. Sit down with all of them to tell them you are going to start this process to try and ensure that the team is working together in a way that best serves the students. Outline the things you plan to evaluate such as punctuality and work hours and as well ask them to list other things they consider important that should also be included. This may not only help your students have a better experience; it may also make the aides feel like they are all being treated fairly and judged by the same standards.

Still, if this man continues to threaten your (and his) ability to create an effective educational space for your students, you’re right: you have a problem. Our advice?  If you are not comfortable confronting him again, then take yourself out of the picture. Familiarize yourself with formal disciplinary processes, in case you choose to go that route. Or seek out a higher-up (either his supervisor, or yours), and explain your concerns (stressing the needs of your students over your own frustrations). Work out a system where you report any problems to the supervisor instead of confronting him directly. Again, you may want to do this in writing.

Sincerely,

The New Girls

Work conflict getting out of hand? Then Ask The New Girls!

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Dear Need to Know,

We are so glad you asked, because networking is super-important.

Here are some key insights about men’s and women’s networks.

1. Men’s networks tend to be of men, while women’s networks typically include both men and women. Male networkers reach out to men for both for emotional support and for strategic purposes, whereas women reach out to men for strategic purposes, but reach out to women for emotional support.)
2. Certain networking tactics, like engaging in professional activities outside of the organization or taking on committee work within the organization, tend to lead to promotions for men but not for women. In substantial part, this is because men tend to be offered positions in more prestigious internal and external groups, and are more likely to negotiate for higher compensation when taking on additional responsibilities.
3. Women whose organizations see them as having high potential are more likely than other women to actively seek out other women. These same-sex ties may be crucial to helping these women navigate bias and other obstacles in male-dominated fields.
4. High-potential women tend to have stronger ties than low-potential women. The basic principle in networking is that weak ties (connections with people you don’t know well; a friend of a friend, or your roommate’s uncle) are more effective than strong ties. But people in insecure positions, like women in male dominated fields, need strong ties to counteract the effects of bias. Strong ties, including sponsors, are helpful for women trying to establish their legitimacy within an organization.

1. Networking with peers is about the exchange of favors. When networking with peers, make sure it’s reciprocal over the long term. The obvious example is where two people help each other’s careers. If that’s not in the cards, be creative in thinking up what you can give of value—even if it’s only a heads-up about where to get fabulous shoes or the babysitter who always comes through for you.
2. Networking with mentors. Remember, if the person’s wise/powerful enough for you to want them to mentor you, they probably get mentoring requests all the time. It’s better to ask for something very specific – can you introduce me to X or can we go together to Y –rather than to plop down in their office and say, “Can you be my mentor?”
3. Avoid random acts of lunch? If you are short on time, or introverted and would rather be home reading a book, be analytical about who can be helpful to you, develop a strategy to meet them, and follow up. (You can even set up a plan to contact that person, say, three times in the next year, and put that on your calendar.) The other approach is to network with lots and lots of people on the theory that you never know when a contact might prove helpful. This is true: you do never know.
4. Your networks should include people both within and outside your organization. Sometimes you need to discuss things with someone who knows the players and the politics of your firm. Other situations are so delicate that it’s best not to discuss them with your colleagues.
5. Don’t forget to network with men. As noted above, women’s networks tend to pay off less, in significant part because it’s men who hold most positions of power.
6. Is it icky to mix business with friendship? Women often feel more self-conscious than men about making business asks of their friends. That’s because women, more than men, see friendship as about emotional support. But think about it: if someone is your friend, shouldn’t she want you to succeed? And you will help her do the same.
7. Child-related networking. Don’t assume that because you meet someone outside a work context, they cannot be helpful to your career. The parents of your children’s friends (if you have children) are not off-limits. Don’t be mercenary, but, remember: networking is about helping each other out.

Got a problem you want help with? Then Ask The New Girls!

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